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I am, by nurture, a generally private person.  That does not mean that I am not a friendly, outgoing sort.  It just means that I was raised in an “independent woman” style.  Pick yourself up by your bootstraps, keep your chin up, you can do anything sort of mentality.  Because of this I am uncomfortable sharing my problems and talking about painful circumstances.  My normal tactics for dealing with things are to pretend they’re not happening and, or, plow ahead finding solutions and gittin’ er’ done without causing anyone else any trouble.  I think that I act this way for just that reason; I don’t want to worry anyone else. 

Infertility has really thrown my normal coping mechanism for a loop.  Years ago when we started on this journey I let a few close friends and family know what was going on.  I thought it would be better emotionally not to sweep it under the rug.  I think I also thought that it wouldn’t go on for years.  Silly me.

After our last IVF I felt that I was continually letting everyone down.  It makes me sick to think about it.  All these people hoping and praying for us.  And then it doesn’t work.  Logically, I know that it is not specifically my fault but I can’t help internalizing all of the failures.  I know that all the hormones don’t help – but I just feel like a failure. 

This time around I thought ‘I am a strong woman’, this time around I feel wiser and I feel like I understand that it might not work, I feel like it is a numbers game.  So I thought why would I want to share every cycle, why would I want to hear people assure me that it will work when I know it might not, why would I set myself up to let others down?  My initial plan was to just go about my FET business and if all worked out well then I would share the wonderful news and if not then I would plow ahead.

I talked to DH about this and he understood and said he would let his family know, when my friends asked what was going on I told them of my new strategy, and my family (being raised in the same fashion as me) doesn’t ask too much anyway.  I thought I was good to go until two things have blown up this plan. 

First my best friend in the world told me she was pregnant.  I am so happy for her but I am struggling to keep my self-inflicted composure.  This FET cycle has been an emotional tornado so far.  I feel like I have been pulled into the vortex and just keep going down and down.  I am so afraid of falling apart or bringing her down that I told her I couldn’t talk to her for a little while.  I also told her I was writing here again and that maybe this blog would help her understand what I couldn’t or didn’t want to communicate.  What’s ridiculous about this is that by not talking to her I have done exactly what I didn’t want to do; fall apart, bring her down, and share my feelings.  I guess it was all inevitable, I mean I must have been having a minor stroke to think that I wouldn’t need to or want to talk to my BF.  I think that I was just hoping that maybe this will work and in a few short weeks all we would be talking about is our babies.  So much for my pragmatism. 

The second thing to throw a wrench in my plans is dear DH and the In-Laws (out laws).  I love them to death – and sometimes I could kill them.  DH’s family is the complete opposite of mine.  His Jewish mother loves nothing more than to talk about doctors, sickness, depression, and feelings.  His lawyer/accountant father has to figure everything out.  They work as a team, you cannot be vague with them, and you cannot trust your husband to keep his mouth shut. 

Poor DH, I don’t want him to lie to his parents I just want them to recognize boundaries and maybe I want DH to tell them when they are crossing that line.  But I don’t think any of us really know where that line is until it’s already been breached.  FIL is innocent enough, he can’t help asking questions and he keeps asking until it all makes sense.  DH and his dad talk almost daily, they’re friends – which I think is great, but because of this close relationship he knows what is happening in our daily lives. 

For example the other day DH’s dad says what are you doing? 
DH:  I with Kate. 
FIL: What are you guys doing? 
DH: Driving to NJ. 
FIL: What are you doing in NJ? 
DH: Going to the doctors. 
FIL: What doctor? 
DH: uhhhh (cause I am in the car) 
FIL:  Why are you going to the doctor? 
DH: uhhh..Dad I’ll call you later. 

Do you see how this is going?  I think that most people would pick up on the intentional vagueness and leave it alone.  But because of FIL’s vocational training the vagueness spurs him on.  Needless to say they continued their conversation when I wasn’t around but I know about when it occurred because DH came home apologizing for not being more supportive and all of a sudden wanting to know what my hormone levels were. 

Now I know that I am sensitive and a little bit crazy but I think I know how this all happened.  FIL told MIL that we’re going to doctors again.  MIL wants to know how I am doing and is DH being supportive.  FIL talks to DH again and tells him to be supportive and drills him for every bit of info DH has.  This often leads to more questions because DH is a little unsure of everything that is going on and once again the lack of surety incites FIL to ask more questions. 

In the end all of this really pisses me off.  When they meddle DH doesn’t act like himself.  He doesn’t know what the hormone levels mean and I don’t want to tell him just so he can relay it to his father and then the people who this is not happening to can give me advice.  I would love it if DH wanted to know more about the minutiae, but I can tell he doesn’t.  And his parents should stop trying to pump him for information.  I know that they do it out of love but I just want to scream “mind your own business!!” 

I think that a person’s health is a private matter and that it should be up to that individual what and with whom they share.  My in-laws believe that it is all fair game since we are now one big happy family.  This makes me want to ask them about their finances.  (Which I would never do.)  But I am concerned about them and I think that down the road it affects me and I worry about their stress levels related to their finances and their health because of that.  But finances is something they don’t talk about and I think they would be shocked and appalled if I brought it up.  Which makes me think I should because then maybe they would understand how I feel about all their overbearing inquisitiveness.

And now I have gone on long enough.  I am pissed.  I don’t know who to talk to, what to share or not share.  If this goes on much longer I am going to snap.  Why does EVERYTHING relating to IF have to be so f*ing hard?