Transfer

So our transfer was yesterday and I guess it went well.  I have been having so much anxiety surrounding this cycle I don’t know what the deal is.  The office got back to me regarding the doxy and medrol so I had been taking those, but then I got all freaked out about whether or not my progesterone was good and then I couldn’t remember whether or not we had discussed with the doctor how many we were going to thaw and replace, oh, and I have a cyst.  By Tuesday I was a mess, I called the office and left a message and then I broke down crying hysterically in a parking lot during work. 

I was feeling so down and like it wasn’t going to work that I think I was looking for a reason to call the whole thing off.  I was/am afraid of wasting these precious embryos.  Too late now, by Tuesday afternoon the office had called me back and I felt a little reassured.  So we were all set for our transfer at 12 on Wednesday.  All set until the office called at 10am saying we had been pushed back to 3pm.  Supposedly the embryology lab didn’t get the message that we were doing the transfer and so they weren’t prepared and had to push the time back.  WTF. 

Well at 3 we were all ready.  Three embryos had been thawed but they weren’t pretty anymore.  I guess only 80% of the cells in the better two survived thaw and only 70% of the cells in the third.  So we put all 3 in.  3 at 3.  When I think about that rationally I am freaking out.  I definitely do not want to have triplets.   But I definitely want this to work. 

How I am doing changes moment to moment.  One second I am depressed and I know that this isn’t going to work and then the next I am hopeful.  Circle + Bloom really helps but maybe that is because it puts me right to sleep listening to relaxing, visualization therapy.  Google I think does more harm than good by “answering”, with contradictory information, supplied by anyone and every one from snake oil salesmen to chinese medline published “MDs”, any question that pops into my head. 

At exactly this moment I think that I will try to focus on what I have to do and can do.  Tomorrow I go in for a progesterone check.  Then we’ll go from there.  At this exact moment I will be hopeful.  Worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet is a waste.  I definitely don’t think that any tears shed now, over what might not be in the future, will diminish the pain I feel then, if that even happens.   

Now if only I can remember that the next time I feel low.  Here’s hoping.